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I Learned to Stop Being a "Chill Girl" and Start Being Me

“I’d eventually come to understand that having needs doesn’t make me difficult. And a fixation on being perceived as nice or ‘sooo chill’ is a colossal waste of time.”

But before I knew it, I’d conjured an elusive halfway point between a desensitized robot and a whimsical movie character, a functioning fragment of myself perennially unfazed by everyone and everything, convinced it would somehow improve my life. Perhaps the most exhausting part of the charade was time spent watching myself through the lens of others; contorting myself into something more palatable for the next person; shouldering guilt and expectations that weren’t mine to bear; and swallowing discomfort when I wanted to bellow, “I’m not okay with this!” The remedy responsible for transforming my imposter syndrome from nearly debilitating to Eh, not feeling so hot about any of my abilities today has been constantly reminding myself I’m a mosaic of many things: greatness and inevitable fuckups, doubts and old wounds, unfulfilled potential and to-be-discovered talents.

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